There is no context to this...

Am I pushing too hard at my limits?
Am I biting off more than I can chew?
Am I going to survive this entire thing?

I mean, I'm too deep to simply pull away from everything, aren't I?
Seems like there are still certain things which I can't get right,
or can't make any sense of.
I would come up with several optimistic hypothesis, only to be proven wrong by facts and deductions thereafter.
It would be lying to say that I'm totally unaffected by those,
and that I don't feel a pang of something when I see them.
Its almost like creating beautiful fluttering butterflies with your imagination,
then seeing them burnt by the fire of reality.
It doesn't hurt (I'm pretty much immune to pain already), but it does feel...strange I guess.
And looking at my recent results, I'm not even sure if I can get through prelims.
Yet, I'm still spending so much time on these matters...
But these things are beyond rationality, aren't they?
It almost as if the more discouraged I am, the more I want to persist on these.
Its like, the more I find it wrong to do it, it just naturally keeps coming back to me with even greater force...

Why am I doing this?
What do I expect to get out of this?
How do I control it?

What I'm doing is almost like...a magician.
Creating magic in the air, only to know himself that they are nothing but a facade.
But one day, the magic will vanish, only to leave behind cold, hard, bitter truths...