Dunno...

Haiz, sometimes I really don't know what I'm feeling?
Like, I know I should be feeling something, but yet what I feel doesn't exactly correspond to what I think.
Then yet again, I can't tell if its just a different extent of that emotion or another emotion all together...

I mean, yes sometimes when we are faced with a particular situation, it would be normal and acceptable to feel a particular something.
Then if its a negative emotion we'll tell ourselves to get over it and eventually it done away with it.
Yet, somehow such feelings will find a way back to us..I suppose we are humans afterall...

It would be rational to identify a particular negative feeling or emotion, rationalize it and then get it out from your life so you'll never need to feel miserable again.
But yet, they just keep coming back for more...

Dislike!

I'll Protect You

有时候，会有那种冲动；
想要时时刻刻在你身边，
保护你、守护着你。
不是因为什么，也不是为了什么；
只因为，我认为你值得。

Because its you, I'll protect you.
"With this weapon, I will protect my country (and you), WITH MY LIFE!!"

More on Love's "is"s and "is not"s

Figured its about time I picked up where I left off.

Love is a form of emotional connection.
As far as I try to, it can't be fully described.
You'll know its Love when it is ^_^

Love is to give, and not ask for anything in return.
To willingly contribute in silence, or even in intended anonymity, to someone's life, that is what lasting love is about, isn't it?
愿意付出而不求回报; easy to say, but difficult to achieve.

And because of that, Love is not utilitarian.
In utilitarian ideology of fair exchange, one will only give when an absolute fair return is guaranteed.
It is about considering the costs and benefits, about weighing the pros and cons rationally, before making a "logical" decision.
Yet, this goes against the entire notion of Love as abovementioned.
As such, this cont-benefit thing just doesn't work for love.

However, Love is not an absolute commitment.
Many of times, with the influence of social stereotypes and media, we think of love only in the form of "girlfriends" and "boyfriends".
Yet, we forgot that love is not only that, nor is it all about that.
How can such a precious connection be defined by a name and just a name,
about the petty things people to just to satisfy a certain role mostly predetermined by society?
To Love is to feel, not to do.

Moreover, Love is not a tool for exploitation.
Contempt is the proven top cause for divorce in society, for putting oneself about another upsets this intricate balance.
Using love as a leverage, as a blackmail, is doomed to lead to broken hearts and painful tears.
There is no "I need to because I love you", only "I want to because I love you".

Love is not defined by distances, for it stems from the heart and not by the senses.
Love is to think of each other in the darkest hours, to 同甘共苦,
because it is having someone you can hold on to, to give you solace in times of need.
Love is to feel empty when someone is not around, and full again when that person returns.

Love is knowing that it is Love ^_^

Dedicated to an Emo Friend

Welcome to my blog :)
Dedicated to you and her.
May this be the last time you'll emo over it ^_^

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"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts, instead."

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday, it was the time of our lives.
You and me together nothing gets better.
We could have had it all, rolling in the deep.

But there's a side, to you that I never knew...

I let it fall, my heart.
The scars of your love reminds me of us,
they keep me thinking that we almost had it all.
You had my heart and soul your hands,
but you played it to the beat.
I set fire to the rain...

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back, or hide from the lights.

I heard that you've settled down.
I heard that your dreams came through.
Even now, when we're already over,
I can't help myself from looking for you.
I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have know how bitter sweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best, for you too.

I'll remember you said, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts, instead."

Adapted from Rolling in the Deep, Set Fire to the Rain, Someone Like You - Adele

Hmm...

Hmm, come to think of it, I actually surprised myself.
To think of all the things I'm willing to accept, to do, and to not do.
Its not that I don't care - in fact I really do - but it just doesn't seem to get to me?
Am I really that "大量"?

Maybe its because I've been through so much,
to the point that I can actually put myself in the shoes of others and 体谅 what they do.
I mean, sometimes when you truly understand the rationale,
the thought process behind seemingly "bad" or "evil" acts, you see the act for its worth.
You choose to forgive, to smile it off, to compromise even.

Maybe not mistakes per se, but different decisions

But has it led me too far?
Am I...too understanding?
I don't know...

Connection

If I had to pick one most important thing about life, it will be connection.

No matter who we associate with, it is important for us to find that "connection",
that certain understanding, that mutual trust.

Yet, connection can be such a queer thing...

Things I don't understand

I'm not perfect, there are just things I don't know, don't understand.
Top of the list, sad to day, is human communication.
As much as we would like to deny, humans don't really understand about humans, do they?
We behave in certain ways, feel certain things, contemplate on certain issues; very much unquantifiable (or aquantifiable).

Thing is, do we actually know what we are saying when we are saying certain things?
The simplest, yet also most complicated, aspect of communication would certainly be none other than interpretation.

Certain languages seem to portray certain ideas better than others.
Take Modern English, apt for facts, logic and rationale.
Compare to French, language of love.
Compare to Chinese, language of history and culture.
Compare to Korean, language of "korean dramas" (that we link to nowadays)

The very point of communication is to get an idea across to the opposite party.
It hence involves two steps, the delivery and the interpretation.
The delivery we can control, but the interpretation we cannot.
Exact same words can be inferred in a billion ways.
Not everyone can catch the nuances of the words, and not everyone will interpret it the same way.

This is the root of the problem, whereby the speaker and the listener might interpret the words in a different way.
Think GP, think inference, think "what is the writer trying to imply?".

I don't think I'll ever get this...this human communication thing...
Thats why I believe in music :)

Gone...

You know the feeling, of people disappearing in your life?

No information, no coincides, no nothing.
Its like they just vanished, never existed.
Thing is, they will never vanish, never disappear,
in the memories, the minds, the hearts.

Why do such things happen?
Is it because of time, dragging the distance?
Is it because of space, being there for too long?
Is it because of just "because of"s, or is it more than that?

Should you feel remorse, for what you never knew you did wrong?
Should you feel pain, for what you thought shouldn't hurt?
Should you feel sad, for prospects and projections that may not be true?

I don't know... you tell me?

Helplessness

You know the feeling of helplessness when you feel it. And only when you feel it.
Its like some kind of void, some part missing in the jigsaw, something left hanging in midair.
Awkward, out of place, neglected, useless. Helpless.
You try and you try again, yet do can't get what you want, what you deserve even.
But what can you do about it? Nothing.

On one hand, you are tempted, attracted, made, forced to do something,
but on the other you simply can't do it right, properly, the way you want it.
Many of times, it is really not your fault.
People around you might say it is, friends around you might consider it as, you might insist it to be, but it really isn't.
We are humans, restraint by body, mind, soul, circumstances etc etc
We can only do that much.

Thing is, we can never always get what we want.
One of the ultimate goals in life, really, is to learn to cope with that, live with that, live in that.
Easier said than done...

p.s. I know I really can't do much now, but at least know that I'll be there, ya?

Hurt?

Many of times, people hurt others even if they never meant to.
In their seemingly insignificant actions, ostensibly casual words etc etc

I suppose its not their fault. Actually, its nobody's fault.
Fact: We are not perfect, and we cannot possibly know everything to prevent doing any harm to others.
Thing is, for some things, we can only get hurt if we actually know what they mean.
You won't know someone's true intent unless you can see past their facade and lies.

If you don't know, you don't get hurt, simple as that. Ignorance is bliss.
Such is the power of knowledge, a double edged sword, a power so great it can turn against you.

Maybe I shouldn't have unraveled this uncanny instinct of mine, far too accurate at times...
Maybe I shouldn't have sharpened it with knowledge and skills I picked up...
Maybe I should be more careful next time, shut some of my sense maybe, to keep myself and others around me safe...

Admit you are not perfect

Sometimes, it really amazes me how we never had a real "conversation". Yes, we speak, and we hear, but we don't listen, do we?
Plain as it seems, every single sentence of yours is a dogmatic statement, a command, an order, no less.

Fundamentally, "logic" means different things to us.
In my eyes, logic is the train of thought that leads to a valid and sound conclusion, be it in agreement with my words or otherwise.

For you, logic is the means to lead others to agreement with your words, be it sound and valid or otherwise.

Maturity, common sense, interpersonal relations, you speak of them as if you have seen it all. Have you?
You proudly proclaim that you will NEVER apologise, much less say sorry, to your family members.
You commit the exact same mistakes, stupidity and fallacies you think you understood and warned us against.
You embrace illogic when it favours you, rejects sound logic when it goes against you, and simply dismiss as "alogic" when you.
You cling on to your outdated mindset and way of life, expecting us to follow suit and survive in this modern society.
You hold double standards and double personalities between friends and family, but claim you never lie and hates liars.
Your pet phrase is "Shut up, be quiet and listen to me", but you do the exact opposite.
Spare me the pain from typing everything out, because it will take more than 10 years.
I really don't see how society can see someone like you as more mature, more common-sensical, more respectable, than even me.

Unconditional love and care. Is that not the entire meaning of parenthood?
To truly love from the depths of the heart, to truly care without intention of reciprocacy.
Yet, albeit masked and subtle, your actions of "love and care" goes nothing beyond the superficial.
Concealed within each action lies the agenda of making us "feel" your love,
and when your mood turns bad or situations seem unfavorable, you simply cut these off, just like that.
Says a lot about you, really.

Great philosophers of late left behind words of wisdom, but I seriously doubt that would come up with the same if he met anyone like you.
Confucius speaks of Filial Piety, of the natural Hierarchy of Life.
Yet, how can we give back when we never received? How can we accept and respect when the logic is not sane, less say consolidated?
Laozi speaks of natural balance and equilibration, of reciprocity.
Yet, is it then right to bask in apathy in face of evil? Is it then right to reciprocate evil with evil?
Your very existence warp ancient wisdom, you win.

In spite of everything, I can't say you didn't do anything beneficial to my life.
People around me see me as mature, logical, insightful, friendly.
Admittedly, I have to give much credit to you for this, for you provided with the best training for these traits.
Given a perfect counter-example, I had to mature fast enough to prevent myself from following its footsteps.
Handling faulty logic everyday, I had no choice but to enforce logical thinking to keep myself sane.
Having witnessed how dark and evil the world can be, I has forced to look at things beyond their many layers.
Knowing how people can be so superficial towards others, I have learnt to trust and be true towards my friends.
Faced with a dichotomy between learning or turning into you,  what training can be more effective than this?

If there is one advice of mine you might heed, though I know you wouldn't, it would be my belief:
"Admit you are not perfect".