Somehow...

Somehow, it doesn't feel right...

The days are too long, the nights are too cold;

the silence too loud, the colours too plain...

Somehow, something feels strange...

The breeze doesn't feel pleasant,

the night doesn't feel peaceful;

the breathe feels so heavy,

the spirit so dreary...

Somehow, life seems like life again...

With nothing to hold onto,

nothing to breath;

no reason my heart's beating,

no reason to live...

And all I'm left with,

is a black and white rainbow...

Somehow, the senses lose pace...

The vision gets dimmer,

the taste gets too bland;

the touch getting weaker,

the beats make no sense...

~

A sudden sense of tranquility...

What is it, to live in a world with only yourself?
To see nothing but your image,
hear nothing but your hearbeat,
feel nothing but emptiness?

Solitude is not unfamiliar,
I haven't always been the welcoming self I am now...
Myself, my music, my world;
that was how it used to be,
how it would've been if I haven't broke out of the fear.
Fear of rejection, of being ignored,
fear of wasting my time and effort.

Come to think of it, that was a time of true tranquility,
away from the troubles of the tinted world,
to live in a sense of self and no one else,
禅~
The world is seen in a much clearer vantage point,
one without biasedness or stereotypes;
the heart is felt much more closer,
to pain more severe, to love more dear;
to see into one's true self, I guess thats where I learnt.

心如止水, the true way of 道;
I kinda miss that kind of life, at times like this,
at times of tranquility...

Little things that count

Sometimes, its the little things that people do that really counts,
really makes you feel,
really strikes you  in the heart.

Not the intentional acts, but actions without intent that defines who a person is.
Precisely because there was no external influencing factor manipulating it,
it shows but the most primitive of a person's soul.

The greatest pain of all is but accidental pain...

Injured...

Mm.. its not like I'm anyone special...
Not like I can do anything, not like it means anything to you...
Afterall, I'm just an insignificant part, a minute part of the bigger picture, a passing wave, an occasional breeze, nothing more...
I am but a bird in a cage, a handcuffed prisoner, an undeserving man...

Maybe it is indeed a small matter, maybe NS has indeed changed me, to be more cautious about injury and sickness, more sensitive to health and habits, more dear to times as a free civilian...
Haiz, I know some things are just so trivial, but only when you lose it will you notice and treasure it...
Here, one small injury might lead to an entire week of misery...
Thats why they say Nsmen knows how to take care of others, but it stops at that only, knowing...

Maybe now I know the difference, you WANT me, but I NEED you...
Haha, what choice do I have, I am only me, I am but me...
But you are you, who keeps me going foward when my body wants me to stop, who comes to mind when I'm happy and when I'm sad, who gives me the strength to survive...
I don't know anymore, the distinction between your happiness and mine, your pain and my own...it hurts, it hurts when you get injured... right here...

Relishing in that curious feeling...

第一次，可能因为是第一次吧。。。
虽然答应过自己，即使说服了自己，还是。。。情不自禁？
呵呵。。。只有无奈的干笑。。。呵呵。。。

Hmm...

Its not sadness, cos even though I'm not there, you're enjoying yourself and there's no reason to be so.

Its not emo, cos essentially there's nothing to be emo over.

Its not insecurity, cos even though you're out of reach and many times uncontactable, I know I trust you.

Its not worry, cos even though I'm not around, I hold on to the promise you made to take care of yourself.

Maybe its a sense of helplessness, cos despite all the promises I made, the chains that tie me down restraints what I can do...

Maybe its a slant of inferiority complex, cos its not hard to see the distinction between a caged bird and one that flies free...

Maybe its the songs that I'm listening to, telling me things I should but can't , about things that might even though I don't...

---------

Maybe its the promise, that one promise I made, that I will adhere to.. I don't know how...

Thoughts...

NS itself doesn't change a person, new experiences do, new people do, new events do...

Its incredible how I've seen first hand, how NS can change someone, how it could've even changed me if I've let it. Conveniences smoking can bring, entertainment from clubbing, "guys' discussions" on girls... Almost all innocence is lost in army, from all but the most determined and persistent...

Thing is, the same can be said for any other part of our lives. From how we learnt to "refer to friends" for our homework or sneak a nap during lectures, all those habits that be picked up "for convenience's sake", changing us be it for the better or for worse.

If anything, it is Time, which changes a person. To resist change is futile, and to deny it, similarly so. Yet, there might be one true self, a single essence within one that we believe will remain unfazed by the challenges of time. Only upon finding this uniqueness can we say that we truly understand someone.

This "self" does not reveal itself easily to the eyes of others, or even the bearer itself. That is why human relationships needs time, to find that "something" that is true to the person, to verify that your first instinct is correct and not just a passing phase in the cycle of change.

What is your true self?