Nights...

Some nights you sleep right after last light,
some nights you sleep just before dawn;
Some nights you sleep with the warmth of a smile,
Tonight I sleep with a broken heart...

Untitled

One day, you might be too busy to miss me...
One day, you might have too much stuff on to have time for me...
One day, you might realise that I'm but an insignificant part of your life...

But yet,

No matter how busy, I'll miss you so dear...
No matter how much I have going on, I'll still make time for you...
No matter how my life changes, you are the centre of my heart...

Many things are not within our control,
for the human mind and spirit is only so weak...

How does it feel like?~

To wake up every morning, alone in bed?
To not check your phone, a million times a day?
To turn on the internet, but remembers there's nothing new there?

How does it feel like?

To walk the same pavements, seeing different sights?
To queue for a movie, a single ticket in hand?
To catch the last train home, to leave a space that was meant for you?

How does it feel like?

To not be loved?
To have no one there in the darkest hours?
To fade and be forgotten?
To live through the memories and know they meant nothing at all?
Does it really hurt?
How does it feel like?

To relive and ponder, how close we used to be?
To know the impossible, but pray for a miracle?
To run out of tears, to run out of breathe, for you?

How does it feel like?

To not be loved?
To have no one there in the darkest hours?
To fade and be forgotten?
To live through the memories and know they meant nothing at all?

To not be loved?
To have no one there in the darkest hours?
To fade and be forgotten?
To live through the memories and know they meant nothing at all?
Yes it really hurts...
And now its my turn to tell...

It feels like this...

p.s. I need a voice recorder! ><

Memories~

My Memory ~
모두 기억해요 그 순간~

To the individual as an entity, everything that's external of the body is but a memory.
Things we possess, people we meet, experiences we have; of them we have nothing but memories.
Just think of someone you know- the looks, the voice, the touch, the feel-
our only true keepsake is but a memory of the person...

And just like any other, memories come and go; they fade and resurface, then get forgotten again.
Come to think of it, it is only logical for memories to fade off after awhile,
when they become less important, less of an issue.

It only seems irrational for the mind to hold onto a piece of memory, just one in a million,
and hold on to it so dear, to the point that it becomes a part of your own existence;
to combine it with the same mechanics of life that drives you to breath and eat.
Then, the memory becomes a part of you...

You' re far away ~
닿을 수 없는 곳에~

!@#$%^&*()

Its so...superficial?
Guys stalking girls and sharing "She's my type", "She's hot", "She's ok" etc etc
I don't know, just can't get my spirits up...maybe I'm just angsty...
But thats that, I'm all confused and everything...

Does everything need to mean something? Or can it just really be so simple?
I hope, I want it to be that simple, that easy, that convincing; yet I can't really seem to get over it...
Yes, I know its the truth, but is there still space, still time, still a little thought left, for me?...

My heart's beating too fast, too hard, too strong, for me to close my eyes;
My mind's racing too fierce, too clear, too confused, for me to fall asleep...

Somehow...

Somehow, it doesn't feel right...

The days are too long, the nights are too cold;

the silence too loud, the colours too plain...

Somehow, something feels strange...

The breeze doesn't feel pleasant,

the night doesn't feel peaceful;

the breathe feels so heavy,

the spirit so dreary...

Somehow, life seems like life again...

With nothing to hold onto,

nothing to breath;

no reason my heart's beating,

no reason to live...

And all I'm left with,

is a black and white rainbow...

Somehow, the senses lose pace...

The vision gets dimmer,

the taste gets too bland;

the touch getting weaker,

the beats make no sense...

~

A sudden sense of tranquility...

What is it, to live in a world with only yourself?
To see nothing but your image,
hear nothing but your hearbeat,
feel nothing but emptiness?

Solitude is not unfamiliar,
I haven't always been the welcoming self I am now...
Myself, my music, my world;
that was how it used to be,
how it would've been if I haven't broke out of the fear.
Fear of rejection, of being ignored,
fear of wasting my time and effort.

Come to think of it, that was a time of true tranquility,
away from the troubles of the tinted world,
to live in a sense of self and no one else,
禅~
The world is seen in a much clearer vantage point,
one without biasedness or stereotypes;
the heart is felt much more closer,
to pain more severe, to love more dear;
to see into one's true self, I guess thats where I learnt.

心如止水, the true way of 道;
I kinda miss that kind of life, at times like this,
at times of tranquility...

Little things that count

Sometimes, its the little things that people do that really counts,
really makes you feel,
really strikes you  in the heart.

Not the intentional acts, but actions without intent that defines who a person is.
Precisely because there was no external influencing factor manipulating it,
it shows but the most primitive of a person's soul.

The greatest pain of all is but accidental pain...

Injured...

Mm.. its not like I'm anyone special...
Not like I can do anything, not like it means anything to you...
Afterall, I'm just an insignificant part, a minute part of the bigger picture, a passing wave, an occasional breeze, nothing more...
I am but a bird in a cage, a handcuffed prisoner, an undeserving man...

Maybe it is indeed a small matter, maybe NS has indeed changed me, to be more cautious about injury and sickness, more sensitive to health and habits, more dear to times as a free civilian...
Haiz, I know some things are just so trivial, but only when you lose it will you notice and treasure it...
Here, one small injury might lead to an entire week of misery...
Thats why they say Nsmen knows how to take care of others, but it stops at that only, knowing...

Maybe now I know the difference, you WANT me, but I NEED you...
Haha, what choice do I have, I am only me, I am but me...
But you are you, who keeps me going foward when my body wants me to stop, who comes to mind when I'm happy and when I'm sad, who gives me the strength to survive...
I don't know anymore, the distinction between your happiness and mine, your pain and my own...it hurts, it hurts when you get injured... right here...

Relishing in that curious feeling...

第一次，可能因为是第一次吧。。。
虽然答应过自己，即使说服了自己，还是。。。情不自禁？
呵呵。。。只有无奈的干笑。。。呵呵。。。

Hmm...

Its not sadness, cos even though I'm not there, you're enjoying yourself and there's no reason to be so.

Its not emo, cos essentially there's nothing to be emo over.

Its not insecurity, cos even though you're out of reach and many times uncontactable, I know I trust you.

Its not worry, cos even though I'm not around, I hold on to the promise you made to take care of yourself.

Maybe its a sense of helplessness, cos despite all the promises I made, the chains that tie me down restraints what I can do...

Maybe its a slant of inferiority complex, cos its not hard to see the distinction between a caged bird and one that flies free...

Maybe its the songs that I'm listening to, telling me things I should but can't , about things that might even though I don't...

---------

Maybe its the promise, that one promise I made, that I will adhere to.. I don't know how...

Thoughts...

NS itself doesn't change a person, new experiences do, new people do, new events do...

Its incredible how I've seen first hand, how NS can change someone, how it could've even changed me if I've let it. Conveniences smoking can bring, entertainment from clubbing, "guys' discussions" on girls... Almost all innocence is lost in army, from all but the most determined and persistent...

Thing is, the same can be said for any other part of our lives. From how we learnt to "refer to friends" for our homework or sneak a nap during lectures, all those habits that be picked up "for convenience's sake", changing us be it for the better or for worse.

If anything, it is Time, which changes a person. To resist change is futile, and to deny it, similarly so. Yet, there might be one true self, a single essence within one that we believe will remain unfazed by the challenges of time. Only upon finding this uniqueness can we say that we truly understand someone.

This "self" does not reveal itself easily to the eyes of others, or even the bearer itself. That is why human relationships needs time, to find that "something" that is true to the person, to verify that your first instinct is correct and not just a passing phase in the cycle of change.

What is your true self?

Unnecessary?

Sometimes there is no reason, cos I have no idea what I'm feeling..
Its like there's nothing big or serious or anything, just that it doesn't feel good.
Or maybe instinctively I know that there's something wrong,
deep down there is something I can't tolerate, there is a line somewhere even I myself am unaware of...

And then maybe I'm afraid, that one day this might eventually lead to something worse...

Unnecessary? I don't know, can't be helped...

To leave the world behind

What is it like, to leave the world behind?
Everything you have, you had, you yearned for, gone?
To leave no trace, to be replaced, and eventually forgotten?
To have made no difference, to have been no different?

What is the point of a beginning, when in the end, nothing is brought away?
The experiences, the happiness, the heartaches, the sorrows;
gone like they have never existed...
Of what value is it, to have been there, done that? Will anything have mattered?
If I leave, you leave, we all will eventually, what do we leave behind that will last?

Or maybe, just maybe, there is something that can be left to last.
Something to prove that you've been there, you've at least left a legacy.
The ancients are ingenious indeed, to have each bear a mark from the start,
to be carried and never erased.
Through which experiences are continued, memories passed,
and the essence of being forever lasting...
To be continued...

Dunno...

Haiz, sometimes I really don't know what I'm feeling?
Like, I know I should be feeling something, but yet what I feel doesn't exactly correspond to what I think.
Then yet again, I can't tell if its just a different extent of that emotion or another emotion all together...

I mean, yes sometimes when we are faced with a particular situation, it would be normal and acceptable to feel a particular something.
Then if its a negative emotion we'll tell ourselves to get over it and eventually it done away with it.
Yet, somehow such feelings will find a way back to us..I suppose we are humans afterall...

It would be rational to identify a particular negative feeling or emotion, rationalize it and then get it out from your life so you'll never need to feel miserable again.
But yet, they just keep coming back for more...

Dislike!

I'll Protect You

有时候，会有那种冲动；
想要时时刻刻在你身边，
保护你、守护着你。
不是因为什么，也不是为了什么；
只因为，我认为你值得。

Because its you, I'll protect you.
"With this weapon, I will protect my country (and you), WITH MY LIFE!!"

2 weeks Army Life

Its been quite long since i blogged properly, so i shall rush out a post before some crazy PT, while I have time :)

Life in army wasn't as tough as I thought (the exercising is though), probably because my platoon has nice sergants and commanders :)

Going through all the exercising and aclimatisation, I had many instances to think about what drives me and keeps me going when I'm pushed to my limits.
Its like the epiphanies when you are all dead tired, aching arms and legs, giddy and half-blurry vision, when you can only keep one thing in your mind to keep you going straight.

Haha, I nobody knows what I'm taling about so far, probably :P
My bunkmates will know though; clinging onto their families, friends and people they know.
Yet, we all have one fear, one that overrides every other concern about surviving in the army; to be forgotten by the rest if the outside world.
Being stranded in an offshore island surrounded by guys, behind all the tough faces, we are all a little afraid.

People in the outside world have no idea, how its like to be afraid to return to your home, to those you love, as a stranger...
Never before has it occured, that one day we might be detached from our normal lifes...

Will we come back again?

Dedicated

Haha blur blur people wun understand what it means of me being able to post on blogger :P
I suppose it all comes down to this song :)
A thousand years more...I will ^_^

The Quest for Happiness

Humans are queer creatures. 

Many live life for power, for love, for god, glory and gold.

Upon inspection, these are but avenues to achieve the ultimate goal of life, Happiness.

Yet, when Happiness is imminent, when we can live in bliss and joy, do Humans accept it readily?

There is this Fear, of loss that follows gain; 

there is this Suspicion, of hidden undercurrents and masked complications;

there is this Rejection, of being spoilt and over-reliant. 

Its like a hunt, the fun is the sought for game, 

but when the meat is placed in front of you, the fun is no more.

Its just too easy, to accept, but too hard, to have missed all the fun.

We all have a bit of sadism in us, 

to experience the Tug-of-war between Sadness and Joy, 

to feel the Uncertainty of Insecurity, 

to be Unsure, to be Double-guessing, to be Imagining.

Maybe it would've been better, if Happiness was never given to us in the first place.

Maybe it would've been easier, if we got Hurt more often and received much less.

Maybe it would've been Happier, if we learnt how to Treasure the little things amidst all the sadness.

Happiness, Grab hold to it or Lose it, 

for it either brings you Unlimited Blessings or Lifelong Regrets...